Your Boys

with Scotty 2 Hotty
with Scotty 2 Hotty

After watching OSW Review (which is marvellous and you should click on now…no wait, read this first.) and Jay, V1 and OOC were talking about who their boys were with names like Mike Knox (Quarter Past 10) and Lex Luger being mentioned.

This article isn’t Scottish wrestling related…well it is and isn’t. It’s talking about your boys. The general criteria is “your boys” are wrestlers who weren’t necessarily the best in the world and what they did but you supported them and would punch your Granny in the face if she said a bad word about them. So as a wee change I’m going to list my boys. I’ll try and whittle them down before I start explaining why Eric Escobar and Jackson Andrews were my boys (they aren’t but bet you forgot they even existed). Some of them I’ve omitted purely because I think they’re too big like William Regal, Finlay and Drew Galloway. Guys who are hailed with such high regard in the UK especially. I also omitted some others like Matt Hardy, though underrated, I’d still consider him to be “too big” for the list.

Steve Blackman: He had kicks, he had sticks, he had the demeanour of a serial killer and had a black bag with nun chucks, throwing stars and a machete…I dunno. Steve Blackman, by all accounts, was a legit badass and could destroy you within an instant. Imagine if he didn’t get injured and competed in the Brawl for All? Bart Gunn wouldn’t have stood a chance. Butterbean? More like…butternut squash! Everything about his attire screamed jobber, from his black trousers and black or…if he was being adventurous…red shoes but as soon as you pan up and see the cold dead eyes of evil that was Steve Blackman accompanied by his badass beard, he was going to kick you until you looked like Gary Sinese in Forrest Gump (before he got new legs.) Who needed mic skills when you can kick more powerful than Chuck Norris? Were Chuck Norris and Steve Blackman ever in the same room? Could Blackman actually be a mega evolution of Chuck Norris? The answer is…yes, yes he could. Even when he wore a cheese hat, he still looked like a murderer. He would’ve been called the Cheesy Kicky Killer. Run in fear.

Bob “Hardcore” Holly: Sparkplug, Thurman…Bob. Hardcore Holly was going to batter you in everyway imaginable. Famed for being a bully and kicking Matt Cappotelli so hard that he cried, Bob Holly is a beast. You don’t tug on Superman’s cape, piss in the wind or annoy Hardcore Holly. I’ve just finished his book recently and if you are a member or the Kliq or Jeff Jarrett…sorry son, Holly will tell you how before showing you a beating. Whether he was beating Al Snow in the Mississippi river or chopping Daniel Puder back to MMA, Hardcore Holly is a Legend. Rene Dupree still shakes and loses bladder control when he sees a rental car. The wrestling world wasn’t ready for Steve Blackman and Hardcore Holly to team up because they would’ve took on everyone in WCW, ECW, New Japan and Dixie Carters dreams and crushed them all underneath chops, kicks and stop signs. Hardcore Holly is coming to the Granite City for WrestleZone Aberdeen Anarchy along with D-Von Dudley and Chris Masters on May 23rd. Go get tickets I’m excited. As I met my next pick at the event last year…

Scotty 2 Hotty: When someone comes up and offers to show you their worm, you’d usually gasp in horror or take your mace (the spray, not the medieval weapon) out of your handbag. Or both. Scotty had no problem getting his worm out and any opportunity when you were lying vulnerable after he had drove you to the ground, bulldoggy style. He throws children into the razors edge for funsies and likes to dance, what more could you want? Whether he was hanging out with Grandmaster Smackbag or Ricushion (because of his large rear…) and even to his teaming with the Hip Hop Hungry Hungry Hippo, Albert. Scotty 2 Hotty was THEE man. Did Ric Flair ever beat him? No (until I’m proven wrong). He was the brains behind Too Cool and taught Brian Christopher how to dance, it wasn’t his fault that Jerry Lawler’s son had all the grace of a sandbag. He fights fires by summoning water. Instead of shouting W-O-R-M, he requests that the bystanders shout R-A-I-N as he chops the fire with his bare hand. Extinguishing the fire in a matter of moments. In Aberdeen last year he faced The Slug, Grado. Little known fact, Scotty 2 Hotty can sense fire within a 500 mile radius and during the match he smelled a chip pan fire in Wick. This distraction allowed Grado to sneak a win. I had met Scotty before the event and he told me that his secret, he actually can’t do the worm. He is the master of ring psycology and when you think he’s doing the worm, he’s actually fighting a fire in Australia but uses a Jedi mind trick to make you think he is worming across the floor and comes back in time to land the dreaded throat chop. Yes, Yoda taught Scotty the secrets of the force.

Perry Saturn: From the planet Saturn (not to be confused with Planet Jarrett, Planet Hulk or Planet Stasiak), Perry Saturn fell in love with a blonde, wooden, inanimate object, Terri Runnels and came to Earth. But something wasn’t right. He needed something even more stoic in demeanour and after a trial run teaming with Dean Malenko, he finally found his dream. Moppy was everything Perry wanted. Together they were Peppy (not Pepe, Chavo Guerreros wooden horse)(or Pepper, Al Snow’s deceased dog), together they were going to change the world. The ultimate taboo of man and mop was tested. People laughed and thought Perry was insane but he knew deep down that they were jealous, Big Show even confided that he had fell in love with a pie but then he ate it when it talked back to him. After Moppy faked her death by going through wood chipper they ran away to Vegas to get married. Perry had even grown a Fu Manchu and bleached it blonde so that he could be Hulk Hogan to Moppy’s Linda. Later, Perry was caught in a threesome with a sponge and a washcloth and it was the final straw. Saturn returned to his home planet and lives out his days working in Olive Garden with Shane Douglas and Justin Credible.*

Billy Gunn: Billy Gunn started as a cowboy with his brother Bart but they didn’t rear cattle or horses. They ran a donkey farm together until Bart grew tired and left, he was now a lone ass man (bewp bewp). Billy tried to raise funds for the farm by joining a band with Honky Tonk Man. They’re success didn’t last long and after a number 27 hit in Iceland they disbanded. He meet Jesse James and together they started a brothel and would give a rousing pep talk before opening their doors with Billy leading a chant of their two word slogan. After a successful run, they won countless awards before taking a break. Billy was due to marry Mickie James but a mix up on the day meant that he said “I do” to Jesse, he said he was a lass man (bewp bewp) but didn’t want the hassle of filing for divorce. The James Gang went to TNA and they tried to restart the company but people had grown tired plus calling the place VKM didn’t help due to the massive picture of Vince McMahon hanging over every bed in settlement of the lawsuit filed by WWE, most clients decided to pass, man (bewp bewp). Billy returned to the donkey farm to find it had been converted into a fishery, he became a bass man (bewp bewp) and spends his downtime watching the prequel Star Wars trilogy over and over, he was a Boss Nass man (bewp bewp) and mowed lawns…a grass man (bewp bewp).

So there we have it, some little known facts about “my boys” and giving you an insight as to why they are my favourite wrestlers. Who are your “boys”?

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with Billy Gunn
with Billy Gunn

*Please note, none of this is factual. Except the Big Show was in love with a pie, I’m pretty sure that happened.