REVIEW…ish: ICW 5th Annual Square Go! Match

Thposter-24-01-2016postere Barrowland Ballroom, Glasgow

On the run up to the 6th annual Square Go! event on Sunday the 5th February at the O2 Academy in Newcastle, ICW were kind enough to allow those that don’t have ICW On Demand a chance to check out last year’s event in preparation.

The event featured Lionheart vs Kenny Williams, Polo Promotions against The 55, Liam Thomson vs Carmel and the much talked about and hailed ICW World Heavyweight Championship match between the Champion, Grado, and challenger, Chris Renfrew. One of the biggest crowds in ICW packed The Barrowland Ballroom on January 24th, 2016.

For this special review, or match report, we’re going to focus on the Square Go! match itself, one of the most unpredictable matches in Scottish wrestling, 30 Bodies – 5 Weapons – 1 Opportunity. Past winners at this point included Red Lightning, Mikey Whiplash, Chris Renfrew and Dickie Divers.

Champagne Simon Cassidy commanded the introductions.

Joe Coffey (#1) – Big Damo Lewis Girvan (#2)

The Iron Man entered to a spine tingling ovation that filled The Barrowlands, out next was Big Damo who was called back by Majority Owner Red Lightning to be told that he wasn’t booked for the Square Go tonight. After much persistence from the crew, The Beast of Belfast made his way backstage to be replaced by Lewis Girvan, not before Red Lightning announced that he gave Drew Galloway the night off.

The crowd were champing at the bit for Coffey-Damo which was a good sign of things to come when Shug’s Hoose Party 3 rolled around…

A hot start with Joe and Lewis trading holds, Coffey using a beautiful butterfly swing on Girvan before boil down into a brawl to the corner.

Trent Seven (#3) – Sir Andrew Wilde (#4)

With the action underway, the big hitters arrived early with Trent Seven trading chops with Joe Coffey and Andrew Wilde throwing folk about.

Solar (#5) – Soldato (#6) 

Solar entering added a little speed to proceedings, a great monkey flip from Girvan onto Solar was caught by Joe Coffey, who placed him into position for a giant swing, only for Girvan to jump in and only ended up on Coffey’s back and joined the ride. Coffey looked to be working at full pelt. Solar and Soldato had a great stand off and a little bit of lucha action before both turning their attention to Girvan and teaming up instead. Some fantastic double team moves before Andrew Wilde spoiled the lucha party.

Dave Mastiff (#7) – Massimo (#8)

Mastiff arrived to maim with German Suplexes for all, including two for Joe Coffey who was thrown like a small child. Mastiff’s arrival kicked off eliminations with the masked competitors being tossed out after they also got a trip to Bastard Country. Massimo entered and booted Mastiff down to the crowd chanting Pavarotti.

Eliminations: Solar (Mastiff), Soldato (Mastiff (2))

Lou King Sharp (#9) – Sebastian (Weapon – Tom Irvin) (#10)

The entrants kept getting bigger with Lou King Sharp squaring up to big Massimo then Mastif before settling on Joe Coffey (after a wee tantrum)…which didn’t work out great with Coffey hitting a big clothesline then throwing my Mother’s favourite wrestler into the crowd…who surfed him back into the match. Sebastian entered with one of the five weapons, Tom Irvin…as they proceeded to double team the competition while Lewis Girvan dished out more low blows to keep everyone down.

Dickie Divers (#11) – Jimmy Havoc (#12)

Last year’s winner, Dickie Divers, entered to a huge cheer as he teamed with Lou King Sharp (The Toal Family) to put the boots to Lewis Girvan. The ring started to fill up with 9 men occupying the canvas before Jimmy Havoc entered to a huge ovation. He set straight to work with Acid Rainmakers to The GZRS and a quick elimination before Lou King Sharp followed and Havoc hadn’t even taken his coat off yet. Divers hung over the top rope for too long with Trent taking advantage and The Toal Family were both out in quick succession.

Elminations: Sebastian (Havoc), Lou King Sharp (Havoc (2)), Dickie Divers (Seven)

Scotty Swift (#13) – Noam Dar (#14)

It was very odd to see Swift enter with such anger towards the crowd, the total opposite to his demeanor in WrestleZone but he got off the blocks quickly, targeting Lewis Girvan and hitting The Granite City Driver onto the best young wrestler. Noam Dar entered number 14 to a huge ovation but was cut short with an attack from Red Lightning who told security to remove Dar from the ringside area. Though technically not in the match I’m going to note it down as an elimination courtesy of Red Lightning.

Elminations: Noam Dar (Lightning)

Joe Hendry (#15) – Mikey Whiplash (#16)

Joe Hendry wasn’t hanging about, in after a new song (We Want Joe Hendry), and started dishing out big clotheslines, a Freak of Nature to Wilde and a hard Irish Whip into the corner saw Wilde over the top rope and out of the Square Go. As we get into the second half of the Square Go, former winner Mikey Whiplash entered and made a beeline for Jimmy Havoc. Mastiff was eliminated after rushing at the ropes to Whiplash who lowered the top rope and a favourite had been eliminated. Following up with a suplex from the apron to Trent Seven who was in the ring for his second elimination. Whiplash had gone through the second rope in the build up to spared his own elimination.

Eliminations: Sir Andrew Wilde (Hendry), Dave Mastiff (Whiplash), Trent Seven (Whiplash (2))

Stevie Boy (#17) – Doug Williams (#18)

Stevie Boy entered like a house on fire with a Devil’s Halo to Jimmy Havoc. Scotty Swift and Joe Hendry slugged it out in a match I’d like to see in the future.

Eliminations: Scotty Swift (Stevie Boy)

The Wee Man (#19) – Davey Boy (#20)

The remaining Bucky Boys, Wee Man and Davey Boy entered with Stevie Boy being the focus with him eating a Sparrowhawk from Davey. Girvan was still throwing low blows about to anyone that was open to receive.

Wolfgang (#21) – DCT (#22)

Wolfgang wasted no time getting to the ring but Massimo almost finished Wolfie’s Square Go early. A missed big boot left Massimo hanging off the top rope for Wolfgang to dropkick him from the top and the Italian was out. Wolfie followed up with eliminating Joe Hendry and Lewis Girvan.

Elminations: Massimo (Wolfgang), Joe Hendry (Wolfgang (2)), Lewis Girvan (Wolfgang (3)), The Wee Man (Stevie Boy)

Michael Chase (#23) – Timm Wylie (Weapon – Lead Pipe) (#24)

Joe Coffey used DCT’s own manhood to suplex him in a move that I couldn’t begin to name. Whiplash finally made his way back into the ring with a square off with Jimmy Havoc who was then attacked by two men in masks, Whiplash and Havoc battled onto the apron and, with an Acid Rainmaker from Havoc, eliminating both from the match. Timm Wylie entered with a lead pipe but was dumped out in short order by Joe Coffey.Wylie had the last laugh and used the pipe of Coffey and DCT before leaving. 

Elminations: Mikey Whiplash (Havoc (3)), Jimmy Havoc (Whiplash (3)), Timm Wylie (J Coffey (2))

BT Gunn (#25) – Jack Jester (Weapon – Metal Sex Toy) (#26)

Gunn quickly eliminated Chase as the numbers were growing in The New Age Kliq’s favour. All three members in and only four more entrants remain. Jester entered as The New Age Kliq served DCT up to him who then battered the International Sex Hero with his metal toy and threw him out while The NAK controlled the ring.

Eliminations: Michael Chase (Gunn), DCT (Jester)

Red Lightning (Weapon – Kendo Stick) (#27) – Mark Dallas (Weapon – Golf Club) (#28)

The Majority Owner of ICW entered with a kendo stick and laid into everyone he has his eyes on. The NAK and The Black Label had control of the ring as Mark Dallas entered with his insurance policy, Big Damo! Damo returned and entered the match, causing chaos which allowed Dallas to strike Red with the golf club. It was short lived as Lightning took control with a beat down only for Sweeney to hold Lightning against the ropes for Dallas to take a swing, but Drew Galloway appeared on screen to distract Dallas long enough for Lightning to throw Dallas out. Lightning turned around only for Joe Coffey to throw out Lightning.

Eliminations: Mark Dallas (Lightning (2)), Red Lightning (J Coffey (2))

Mark Coffey (#29) – Lionheart (#30)

With everyone in the match it started to get very interesting, one of those men was going to win a title opportunity that could be cashed in at any time. Lionheart entered only for Kenny Williams to sneak behind and smack him with his hoverboard. As soon as Lionheart got into the ring, he was back out courtesy of a Joe Coffey clothesline to the chants of ‘Thank You Kenny‘. Noam Dar returned with a chair and leathered everyone and eliminated Doug Williams and Stevie Boy. It was then relayed via Billy Kirkwood on commentary that Noam Dar has officially been re-entered into the match. Dar and Gunn squared off, but during their attempt to eliminate each other, Mark Coffey swooped in and dumped them both out to leave us down to the final four.

Eliminations: Lionheart (J Coffey (3), Doug Williams (Dar), Stevie Boy (Dar (2)), Davey Boy (Gunn (2)), BT Gunn (M Coffey), Noam Dar (M Coffey (2)).

Final Four – Wolfgang – Mark Coffey – Joe Coffey – Jack Jester

The Coffey Brothers reunited to batter Wolfgang and Jester only for Wolfgang to dump out Mark which left Wolfie and Jester to work over Joe Coffey. Coffey fought back to throw out Jester and it was then down to two…

Eliminations – Mark Coffey (Wolfgang (3)), Jack Jester (J Coffey (4)).

Final Two – Wolfgang – Joe Coffey

Both men slug it out, Coffey had been in since number one and was carrying a groin injury that was spoken about on numerous occasions during the match but he battled on. It looked like Coffey was going to go all the way until a quick shift saw Wolfgang throwing Joe over the top rope and the match was over.

Winner: Wolfgang

It was a marathon for Joe Coffey who lasted well over an hour, he may not have been victorious but he certainly proved that he was the true Iron Man. 

For me it was a fun show, plenty of surprises like Scotty Swift, who I would love to see more of in ICW. It was a long slog of a match though, the crowd was buggered by the end. Primarily for being a long match but they were likely spent after Grado versus Renfrew.


The 5th Annual Square Go! is available on ICW On Demand for free right now! Catch it in time to prepare yourself for tomorrow’s unpredictable event.

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